I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
She just used a chaser for red wine.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
