Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Hello my rib-scented angel!
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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