I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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