sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
