Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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