why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
