i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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