i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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