That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
