I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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