I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
