Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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