I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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