First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
It's blow job season.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
