I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
