I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just googled if crying burns calories
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
