Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
