Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
