When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
