ugly people sure do ruin things
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
