Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
