And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
