somebody snuck up and got me drunk
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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