Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
