Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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