I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
