Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I touched a dick in church today
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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