babies were throwing up all over the place
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
