i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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