I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
