I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
