He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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