I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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