I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
