U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize