I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize