I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
