Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
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