Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
