I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize