and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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