I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize