Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
