party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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