so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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