Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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