Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
