it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
did i walk over a car last night?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
