i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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