Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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