I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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