What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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