dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
my vag is so smooth its legendary
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
