You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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