hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
