Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
