I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
