Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Randomize
