Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
