...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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