guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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