White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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