I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
