I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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