Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
