I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
