I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
